I’m Not a Mother 

(From March 20, 2015)

We had something delivered from a thrift store. Along with it was a blue baby shoe. It had the company’s tag, along with a white tag with 13 on it. 

I wanted to go back to the store to find the other one. (Why didn’t I return the one I had?) When I got to the store, it was at the church. I wanted to start on the right side (chapel in top middle). 

I saw a couple jewelry boxes, and when I opened them, the “diamond” had come off, but still there. 

I found a tool where I could change the opening, at the top (like a monkey wrench). I showed it to John (D. I. ) because I knew he be interested, which he was. 

Someone showed me a pink baby shoe, with silky ribbon for the tie. I mentioned that wasn’t it, but a blue baby shoe that was like it. I didn’t mention that it had a regular tie. 

(Ali’s dream)

I was on a track, having to jump over obstacles. I was in front, Ali behind me. No one else was able to jump, and some black women were complaining about having to jump. 

(From March 21, 2015)

I’m in the cultural hall at church by the stage. There is a curtain semi around me. I am taking a shower, with my underwear on. The ceiling sprinklers come on. No one shows up for a while. A man finally shows up. I’m wondering what took so long for him to show, and the sprinklers came on when there’s no fire. 

I was looking at a black piece of paper, with white writing on it, on both sides with the middle empty. It was about the zodiac sign of Gemini. I heard Cher’s voice reading it. 

(From March 27, 2015)

I’m walking into Relief Society, going to sit by my mom. Excitedly, she said, “Happy birthday! Happy Mothers Day!” I then say, “But, I’m not a mother.” Suzanne (from church when I was a teenager.)

(From March 18, 2015)

Kyle, and I, are lying in (separate?) bed (house in my teenage years). He said something to me about checking the food under the desk. I look, and see a box of food with cockroaches crawling over it. There are some tabby cats under his bed (on the right), at the end, and they also have cockroaches crawling on them. 

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Stability of the Building 

(From March 11, 2015)

I am lying next to a man, naked, on a bed. I am on the right side. He slowly starts to roll over to get on top of me. I say no, and immediately get up and dressed. 

I am holding someone’s baby, and need to give it a bath. 

There is a pool of water that is cleaning itself. 

I am in a building, not sure what floor, maybe top?, and I’m thinking it wasn’t made all too well. I’m not sure how long it’ll stand, even though the others have no problem walking around. 

There is a guy who has a cough, like a lingering cough. He wants to go to get it checked out. He has to wait, but he eventually does. I’m thinking that when he goes, he could mention the stability of the building. I don’t say it. 

Deborah (pronounce each syllable, ex coworker) is there. 

I mention to someone that if my hairs ( on my arm) were gone, my arm would look like a white snake. 

(From March 19, 2015)

I’m driving a car, speeding down a hill, brakes not working. I don’t hit anyone, or get in an accident, but others on the road do. 

The road finally evens w, but I’m still speeding. At one point, I can’t see what’s ahead, as if I was continually going around a bend. 

There’s a field that I’m finally able to go to to slow down. 

Feel the Empty Space

(Night before I asked why I was called “The Mother”)

A guy was cozying up with me, talking with me. I realized that I hadn’t brushed my teeth yet, but didn’t worry too much about it since he didn’t seem to notice / be affected by it.

Someone, Ali ?, mentioned that I hadn’t brushed my teeth, so I told him that I had been chewing (minty) gum.

My top left tooth, next to my “fang”, came out. I was looking behind it, where there was some of my gums (normal, supposed to be there), to figure out why it would come off / out. I saw a tiny white spot at the top left corner, and thought that might be the reason.

I attempted to put it back, like a nail (not pushing it up in the gums), but it wouldn’t stay. I then let it go, and figured that Ali will have to live with me like this.

I put my lip down, and it felt weird to feel the empty space.

A young teenage girl, with shoulder (blade) length brown hair, had a boyfriend, came from a wealthy family, and was enjoying life.

One day she found out that she had a certain type of skin cancer. A couple of days later, she was looking at her face in the mirror, with boyfriend behind her, and mentioned that she saw a sign of it showing up on her face.

She lived with a lot of ladies, relatives?, and had a lot of dogs (not seen, but knew).

There was a festival in town, and she went to enjoy it while she could. Someone asked where her boyfriend was.

She “skated” down a cement curved slope. The scene continued to the left, showing several different groups of people showcasing their own entertainment / talents, like a parade, but they were stationary.

I saw a group of people singing the Star Spangled Banner song in a dunked up version / way. Next to them were ladies doing a dance routine with those things they throw up in the air.

This girl had become a bit weaker, but still happy. She had just sold a shirt, or clothes, and was holding a wad of cash in her hands, looking at it. She had some tears, but was smiling, because of what she had planned to do with it for her family. She was wearing black and white striped clothes, with varying widths.

(From Nov. 17, 2014)

A lady loved getting tore up / mangled by dogs, and would get paid for it. She didn’t have any ambulances around, but had two people who were there to help clean and bandage her wounds.

There were black baby kittens on a small slope of a hill, but they were balls, like when fish lay eggs. Someone was moving them, attempting to scoop them up, but not using the scoops nearby, so they were rolling down, about to drop to their deaths.

I was at a nice, well built, non denominational church, just to see what it was like. There was a man sitting a couple of chairs away from me on my right. He was “teaching”, using a tablet(?). One part, he was talking about politicians, showing faces. I saw Mitt Romney. This man said that Mormon’s don’t matter. He went on to something else, saying again about the Mormon’s. I stopped him, and asked if Mormon’s don’t matter because they are irrelevant to his discussion, or because he doesn’t like them. He started answering by not answering, as he backed his chair away.

A little blonde girl (2 / 3) was then sitting on my lap. Though there were no signs, people knew that she was abused. She was still happy though. She wore a dark dress, with tiny white spots?, and I was rubbing her legs. She wasn’t bothered by that. I then saw hair sticking out of her mouth, and went to take it out. As I went for it, I noticed that the end of her tongue was pierced, and this hair was tied through the hole. She put her tongue back inside, so I wasn’t able to get to it.

(From Nov. 16, 2014)

I was in a class, not for schooling, but like a community one, for fun. One day a light skin Arab man offered to give me, and another woman, a ride home. He dropped her off, then continued on. I was going to tell him that I live in Riverside when he brought out some masking tape (the brown / tan one). I knew what his intentions were, so I got out of there.

I was running in the city, like in New York with the alleys between the businesses, and couldn’t find a place to go. I finally said, out loud, “God, show me a way out”, or something like that. I then saw that I could go down a certain alley.

I went down, and through a door. It was a small rectangular room, like at church for nursing mothers, but there was only a long rectangular mirror on the left, with a counter below it. I debated getting under, but figured he would see me, so I went next to the door so that I would be behind it when he opened it.

After he opened it, and didn’t see me, I heard some ladies voices coming our way, and he closed the door without looking behind.

Don’t Lose The Baby

I’m in the passenger side of a car. My dad is in back, needing to come up front, waiting for me to move, but I don’t. He ends up front anyhow. Somehow I have the brake pedal on my side.

My dad drives fast, and I am amazed that I am able to slow the car down as he turns corners (right).

We have come to a small hill, with a road on top. We wait for the cars to pass before driving up / joining them.

Marie Osmond

I have two plastic pieces to put together, but don’t have the substance to / that hold(s) them together. A lady tells me I can buy what I need cheaply. I calmly respond, “Or buy what works”, implying that cost doesn’t matter. She is stunned / shocked that I would say that.

I’m in a van / bus / RV, with other people. We are waiting for something. I have someone’s baby (6 months?). I’m letting it crawl around. A lady tells me not to lose the baby.

Some of the people are standing, speaking Arabic. Sowin is across from me, on the other side of these people. He is Iranian, but understands Arabic. He is listening, but not participating, with his head slightly down.

It is Ramadan month. I, along with the other women, who are Muslim, have plastic wrap around our heads, like when a robber puts on a stocking. I’m still able to breathe. We are strictly not allowed to poke any hole(s), or danger will come to us. Even still, I want to poke a pinhole in between my slightly parted lips.

I have a knowing that everyone has to walk through a tunnel, as is done during this period, women having to wear the plastic. They are allowed to remove it when they reach the other side. I’m amazed that these women are able to do this. I don’t see the tunnel, so don’t know how long it is.

Some of the men are discussing how / that they hate / dislike praying in that room because there is no room to maneuver / move.

As I am waking up, I see myself crying because I have “lost” my baby.

The name Kamar comes to mind.

Ali is picking up his grey hoodie that he had had sized for him. One of the ladies / the lady had stitched something on the top of the flap of fabric that is inside by the zipper, as a memory of his lost baby / son.

The Program Unpaused

(From Aug. 9, 2014)

I was at Micalanne’s, and we were watching tv. She had a baby boy, about a year old. Near the end of the show, the baby got tired, so Micalanne asked him if he wanted to go to bed. He said yes.

She pushed a button on the remote, to pause, so she wouldn’t miss anything while changing the baby’s diaper, showing me, but I don’t see.

She then gave the remote to me. After a minute, the program unpaused. I pushed a button I had used before, but it wasn’t working. I pushed another, still nothing. The program was showing a couple getting married in a chapel(?), then leaving. The girl sang some wedding / marriage song as she was doing something with stretched out white flowers in the back, before leaving.

Micalanne finished, then got upset with me for not keeping the show paused. My bed then appeared in the room, and I wanted to lay down, but she came over to me, and wouldn’t let me. She turned into Judy.

I then took my pillow, after a bit of fighting, putting it over her face, and saying that I’ll be a b…. (That’s how I said it). I wasn’t going to keep it there long enough to suffocate her, but I didn’t care what would happen to me (spiritually) if I did. She was having fun with it.

Then somehow, I managed to pick her up, and flip her on her bed (step away). She landed with her head under her body, her neck stretched / bent, looking like rubber. I noticed this, but didn’t care. My mom then came in. I wasn’t going to say anything.

My dad was telling me to go to bed. I didn’t want to. I told him I was going to boil some water, and pour it on him. I did start up the water.

He had some single serve chocolate pudding cups in the freezer. Some were chocolate and vanilla. I took them out, and I think, put them in the fridge for myself.

Still Needs To Be Paid For

Something about living by a tree, not in a house, and needing to use the bathroom. I was seeing another tree, looking like a Dragon Blood tree, a bit to my left(?), and forward a little. I was sure there was a toilet by / under it, but all I could see was a car parked a length in front of it.

(The rest of these are all in the evening / dark)

Kyle was inside a dumpster, scavenging. His clothes were filthy. I was standing away from him a bit, and was disgusted by him doing that.

I was lying on a couch out/inside (think it may have been out, then went in). From a (short) distance away from my feet, I saw what looked to be a meerkat. It started to come over towards me, a (short) distance from the couch, dipping underground every once in a while. It stopped about the middle of the couch area. It was dark where it was, so I used the flashlight on the iPod to shine a light on it. It then had the markings of a lynx. It sat there for a bit, then came over to the couch, sitting at my feet. I don’t remember if I did anything.

I drove Ali to a bank. It was a dark wooden building, in a small u-shaped shopping center. There were a lot of vehicles parked. I could see Ali, talking to someone, through the big windows.

I was parked up by the sidewalk, but wanted to back up in the spot behind me, over to the right a couple of spots. I went backwards past a couple of cars, truck & Cadillac, both grey, then backed into the spot.

Ali came out, and started to open the door, but wasn’t able to open it all the way because there was a white big rig parked close next to us, at an angle so as to keep the door from opening.

I decided to then back up the car so he could get in. As I started to back up, the car kept going, fast (10 – 20 mph?). I had the brake down, but it wasn’t working. I kept saying, to the car, to stop, getting louder each time, to where I was almost yelling. I ended up going out of the lot, hoping not to get hit, as a car, another Cadillac, was close to coming in.

I ended up somewhere where I could go in circles, and let the car do it’s thing.

Ali, and I, are walking up a short / small hill outside of some businesses. I don’t see him, but know he’s there. I see Mindy, before she was married, walking down the small ramp by us. I then see a woman coming back up, thinking it was Mindy again, but she had on a black bandana on / around her face.

She stepped in some moist, black, dog poop. She didn’t get upset. She brought up her foot, and getting it off by flipping it somehow. The underside was dry, looking like it had pebbles, or cat litter.

She went to the owner of the business where we were standing in front of, who came out, and picked it up. The owner then asked this lady a question about it.

Before moving on, I see a young (Hispanic?) family standing in front of us, couple steps away. They had a young girl (6-8), crying, who had her right eye poked by something there. She told her parents, as she was calming down, that this thing wanted her to go to heaven.

Ali was sitting in a black Victorian(?) wheelchair, with the scrolls, and “waves” on the side. He wanted me to push him, but I c/wouldn’t. I was starting to open a door, and had a stroller (like the type little girls have, not the big ones) with a baby in it.

We were inside a restaurant. I was sitting at a round wood table. There was a young family seated to my left, and back a little. Their table, and chairs, were lifted a bit. In front of this family, and to my left, in front a bit, was the bar.

After this family ate, one of the bartenders, with long black wavy / curly hair, inside the bar area, leaning back, told the husband not to worry about it, that it was taken care of. I was under the impression that the father may be an employee there.

I was finishing my food, kinda moving it around. It was on a white plate, bit bigger than a charger. I then looked up, and saw Ali, walking in front of the bar, from left to right. He had a plate in his hand. He placed it in the sink in the bar area. He then saw, or he stood there a couple of seconds before an old (from the past, not age), dark black, tall, with long hair, female student saw him. He perked up, and said hello. They talked for a minute, or two(?).

He then walked over towards me, big bouquet in hand. He was skinny, almost gaunt / homeless looking, with grey stubble. There was a man standing by the table, back to me, so he couldn’t / didn’t come closer to me.

I asked him, incredulously, “You ate?” He responded, with a hint of urgency, and loud enough for those close by to hear, that there was a twist(?) to it. He wanted me to get up, and follow him. I told him that my food still needed to be paid for.

Wait Until I’m Finished

My mom is in the driver’s seat. I’m in back, behind her, buckling in a baby. My mom starts to drive / speed before I finish. I think I mention to her about waiting until I’m finished. The road is like a roller coaster, with the twists and turns, and seems to be in the mountains.

I am helping someone showcase some different objects (sticks?), walking across stage. I am only wearing my garments. I become conscious. If this as I am walking back across. Since I am already up there, I have a bit of fun while walking. I don’t look at the audience because I’m scared Travis will be there.

After walking off the stage, I notice another woman (my mom?) wearing only her bottom garment. She was kneeling, bending over, so I didn’t see her top.

Clay Aiken was / is going to be in the Senate, but he had to go through American Idol first so people would know who he is.

A lady notices Janet’s last name is similar to another word (word for lying?). I say that I knew that from the beginning. This lady is surprised I knew.

Janet is sitting, and I slowly run / flow my hands over her shins, as if my hands are vehicles, and here legs are streets.

(Ali’s dream)

I’m in a car, about to leave Ali to visit family because something is happening. I tell him I’ll be back in a couple says. He asks when I’ll be back, and I tell him I don’t know. I then hurry off.

Should Recognize

I was looking at Kevin’s Facebook profile, and telling someone that I just want to touch base.

I’m carrying Bishop’s baby, who is naked, throughout the church, looking for wipes in case there should be a mess. There is a doorway, leading to the chapel that I walk through, that is a bit shorter than normal, so I have to duck. I find where Bishop is, and grab some dryer sheets to use as the wipes.

I’m still holding the baby, standing outside a closed classroom, waiting, with others, for class to start. A young girl, 8?, dark-haired, comes up to me, and asks, intelligently, how my last two days were. I said they were fine. I then ask her the same, and she responded that they were good. As I’m looking at her, I’m thinking that her face looks somewhat familiar, and that I should know who she is. (As I write this, I’m wondering if her dress was of an older period.)

Las Vegas

The family had gone back to Las Vegas for a visit(?). There were a couple of dogs I played with while there. After we got back home, there were also some dogs to play with. I mentioned to someone how I really missed playing with the dogs back in Las Vegas. While I said this, I was envisioning it, hoping for it to become real again.

I was inside a small racetrack where my dad was going to race (my family never watched / participated). Across the street, I saw a man placing a box behind some tall white metal doors he had, blocking the view to his backyard. His house was sideways so that the front door faced left. He put the box there so that his wife w/couldn’t say anything.

He then started putting things on his workhorse / sawhorse so he could make something out of wood.

The race started, and I was standing at the loop furthest from the street. I saw some runners running, starting to make the loop, towards me. My dad came racing from behind me, toward the runners. When they saw him, they moved to an outer track, and kept going.

Right when my dad was to (barely) pass me, his car stopped because a part of the car blew. My dad told me what it was, and what it did, but I don’t remember. It looked somewhat like a baby jellyfish, but with only two strings(?).

The guy across the street yelled(?), asking my dad if my dad wanted him to call for someone to come out, and repair it. My dad said yes because he would’ve fumbled his words, and wouldn’t know how to explain what was needed. I then heard the man on the phone describing the situation, what was needed, and where.

I’m at church, sitting in one of the front rows in the chapel. Bethany is to my right. She is holding a baby, and playing with it (girl?). I say that it likes it’s cheeks tickled, but (in the dream) I don’t remember how.

Bethany then gives the baby back, and I notice she is wearing a short white crop top, almost showing. I told her, “As long as nothing shows”, and the family were surprised that I would be so outright about saying that.

Nursing

I’m on a street, with Ali? There is a kitten in a field to my right. To my left is the mother, nursing two other kittens. Father may be there also. I walk toward them, wanting to put them in the field so they won’t get hit. As I get close to them, though, they walk away.

(Ali’s Dream)

He’s playing soccer (haven’t been watching, but he played when young), and no one is making a goal / score. He(?) finally makes a goal, helping his team to win.